The TOTALLY Mixed up Day!
by Drucilla Black
Summary: Sebastian wakes up one morning in an AU where everyone and everything except himself is all WRONG and only he is aware of it...


THE TOTALLY MIXED-UP DAY  
  
RATING: PG-13/R, depending on the chapters. WARNING: Oh, come on! This IS a Cruel Intentions fic, and it's also a PARODY fic (the CI section is currently in dire need of some humor), so you all know what that means.Swearing, comic violence, sex (You know how hormonally rampant the characters are), and overall mockery of the CI movie. Enter at your own risk.  
  
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Chapter One: Meet the Family.  
[PAN IN TO SEBASTIAN VALMONT'S STILL-SLEEPING FACE. MORNING SUNLIGHT STREAMS ACROSS IT. HE SMILES, EYES STILL CLOSED]  
  
SEBASTIAN'S THOUGHTS: Man! I have it so good! I live in one of the most expensive houses in Manhattan, I wear 'Prada-For-Him' shoes to school, Valentino and Ralph Lauren suits and accessories take up half my wardrobe, I've fucked every girl in Manhattan, and every night I go to sleep in a nice, soft [OPENS EYES].fold-out bed????  
  
[FULL SHOT OF SEBASTIAN'S "BEDROOM," WHICH IS ACTUALLY JUST THE FAR END OF A TRAILER WITH A TATTERED CURTAIN FOR PRIVACY. HE IS INDEED, SLEEPING ON ONE OF THOSE BUILT-IN, FOLDOUT BEDS. CLOSE-UP OF SEBASTIAN SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. HIS PYJAMAS NOW CONSIST OF A LED ZEPPLIN T- SHIRT AND BOXERS.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! WHERE AM I? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ITALIAN SILK PAJAMAS AND GOOSE-FEATHER BED WITH THE ONE-OF-A-KIND RALPH LAUREN BEDSPRED?  
  
[BEGINS SCREAMING AGAIN UNTIL A GIRL HIS AGE POKES HER HEAD THROUGH THE CURTAIN. SHE'S BLONDE, WITH PIGTAILS, CUT-OFF SHORTS, A RED SINGLET AND A DUMBFOUNDED EXPRESSION. ]  
  
BLONDE GIRL: [SOUTHERN ACCENT] Sebastian? Y'all ok in here? Mama says if-a that gosh-darn 'gator got back in-a the trailer again you should-a just shoot it with-a y'all 'gator-gun.Oh, and Papa says that if you don't stop-a y'all l'il girly screaming routine he's a-gonna get out his castration knife.  
  
[SEBASTIAN JUST STARES BLANKLY AT THE SMILING GIRL]  
  
SEBASTIAN: [OBVIOUSLY VERY CONFUSED] Who. Are. You? And WHERE THE HELL AM I?  
  
[THE GIRL LOOKS AT HIM WEIRD FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN STARTS GIGGLING]  
  
BLONDE GIRL: By golly-gosh, Sebastian! You must-a had too many doses of Mama's homemade alcohol last night. Don't be such a silly duffer! I'm y'all twin sister and future wife-by-arrangement, Kathryn, and y'all currently in- a y'all bedroom in our trailer, located in Alabama.Oh, and we're also supposed to be helpn' make breakfast right now before we head off to school in our new car! Mama's waiting' for us in the kitchen!  
  
SEBASTIAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is NOT right!  
  
KATHRYN: What d'y'all mean, brother dearest? What's not right?  
  
SEBASTIAN: [VERY CONFUSED AND UPSET] First of all, YOU are NOT my sister. My STEPsister is a BULIMIC, DRUG-ADDICTED BRUNETTE who only wears GUCCI, CHANEL OR VERSACE! Second of all, we are NOT supposed to be engaged.that's just.disturbing. And FINALLY, this is NOT my HOME! I do NOT live in a TRAILER in ALABAMA! I am SUPPOSED TO live in MANHATTAN, in an EXPENSIVE HOUSE, AND I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE ITALIAN SILK PAJAMAS AND AN EXPENSIVE GOOSE-FEATHER BED WITH A ONE-OF-A-KIND RALPH LAUREN BEDSPREAD!!!  
  
[SEBASTIAN BEGINS TO CRY OUT OF CONFUSION UNTIL A MIDDLE-AGED, HILLBILLY MAN WITH A GREY MULLET, FILTHY OVERALLS AND A RIFLE WALKS IN. THIS IS EDWARD VALMONT]  
  
EDWARD: What in the name of Jesus-Joseph-and Holy-Saint-Mary is goin' on here? Why is the fruit of my loins cryin' like some l'il sissy girl?  
  
KATHRYN: Oh don't be mad at him, Daddy.I think he might-a had too many doses of Mama's alcohol last night.  
  
[EDWARD FROWNS AT THE STILL BLUBBERING SEBASTIAN THEN REACHES OVER AND GRABS HIM BY THE EARS, LIFTING HIM OUT OF THE BED AND A FOOT OFF THE FLOOR. SEBASTIAN IS OBVIOUSLY NOW IN A LOT OF PAIN AS WELL AS VERY CONFUSED]  
  
EDWARD: Y'all listen to me, sissy boy! I ain't gonna take none of y'all blubberin' today, 'specially after your APPALLIN' attempts at 'gator huntin' on Saturday that cost us not ONLY our 'gator pie for our after- church lunch but ALSO your Mama's PROMISE to me that I could bang her in ANY position I wanted if we caught her a 'gator.NOW GET Y'ALL SISSY BUTT OUT THERE AND GO HELP Y'ALL SLACKTART MAMA MAKE US OUR BREAKYFAST!!!!!!  
  
[EDWARD DROPS A NOW VERY DISTURBED SEBASTIAN ON THE FLOOR. HE RUBS HIS EARS WITH A VERY SCARED AND PAINED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: Buh.buh...buh.  
  
KATHRYN: Aw, c'mon brother dearest. Those gosh-darn pancakes isn't gonna flip themselves, y'all know!  
  
[LINKS HER ARM THROUGH SEBASTIAN'S AND LEADS HIM INTO THE PART OF THE TRAILER THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE KITCHEN/DINING ROOM/LOUNGE ROOM. STANDING BY THE OVEN, FLIPPING PANCAKES IS A VERY FAT, BLONDE WOMAN WITH VERY HEAVY MAKE-UP (THINK MIMI FROM "THE DREW CAREY SHOW"). SHE'S WEARING A RED BANDANNA ON HER HEAD AND A RED MUMU WITH A BLACK FLOWER DECORATION.]  
  
KATHRYN: Good mornin,' Mama!  
  
[KATHRYN KISSES THE FAT LADY ON THE CHEEK AND IS KISSED BACK. THIS IS TIFFANI MERTUEIL.]  
  
TIFFANI: Good mornin' Babycakes! I trust y'all slept well? And good mornin' to you too, my darlin' baby boy! I hope my alcohol didn't affect y'all too much last night.Edward reckons y'all been up screamin' like a l'il girly all mornin'!  
  
[SEBASTIAN JUST STARES AT TIFFANI WITH A DUMBSTRUCK EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: You're Tiffany.right?  
  
[TIFFANI RAISES A PAINTED-ON EYEBROW THEN STARTS LAUGHING]  
  
TIFFANI: Well who else would I be, Babycakes? Elvis? Now be a good boy and set the table for breakfast!  
  
[SEBASTIAN, WHO IS STILL PRETTY MUCH DUMBSTRUCK SIMPLY OBEYS TIFFANI AND BEGINS SETTING THE TABLE, MAKING A FACE AT THE SIGHT OF THE CHEAP, PLASTIC TABLEWARE THAT SEEMS TO HAVE REPLACED THE FINE CHINAWARE HE IS USED TO]  
  
TIFFANI: [RINGING A COWBELL] COME AND GET IT!!!  
  
[EDWARD, KATHRYN AND TIFFANI RUSH TO THE TABKE AND INSTANTLY BEGIN STUFFING THEIR FACES WITH THE PANCAKES AND CHEAP COFFEE. SEBASTIAN JUST STARES AT THEM IN SHOCK BEFORE DELICATELY CUTTING A SECTION OF PANCAKE WITH HIS KNIFE AND FORK AND POPPING IT INTO HIS MOUTH. EDWARD, KATHRYN AND TIFFANI AREN'T USING UTENSILS]  
  
SEBASTIAN: Hey.these pancakes are pretty good!  
  
[BEGINS TO EAT FASTER, BUT STILL WITH UTENSILS.]  
  
TIFFANI: [INBETWEEN MOUTHFULS] Oh, they isn't just ordinary pancake, babycakes! They's my special pancakes that you and Kathryn love so much! Made with special ingredients!  
  
[SEBASTIAN'S FORK PAUSES IN MIDAIR. THE LOOK ON HIS FACE IS NOT A HAPPY ONE.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: What kind of.special ingredients?  
  
TIFFANI: [STILL EATING] Oh, only the finest I can get, babycakes! Ground-up dandelions for that extra-sweet taste, eel eggs for fluffiness, smushed-up gator eyes for that little extra 'zing,' and of course, swamp water to mix it all together.Wait a sec! Where you runnin' off to, babycakes?  
  
[A VERY GREEN-FACED SEBASTIAN RUNS OUTSIDE FASTER THAN A CHEETAH ON SPEED AND BEGINS THROWING UP]  
  
SEBASTIAN: Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I just ate EEL EGGS AND ALLIGATOR EYES FOR BREAKFAST!  
  
[KATHRYN SKIPS MERRILY OUTSIDE, OBLIVIOUS TO SEBASTIAN'S CURRENT STATE.]  
  
KATHRYN: Better hurry up and get dressed, Sebastian! Daddy's a-gonna drive us to school in-a our new car and y'all know how much he hates bein' late to work!  
  
[SEBASTIAN, WHO IS STILL A BIT GREEN, GOES BACK INSIDE TO HIS 'BEDROOM.']  
  
KATHRYN: Mama put y'all clothes in-a the doggy-basket under the bed.Watch out though! I think Petunia might be hidin' under there too.I'll be outside waitn' for y'all!  
  
[SKIPS OUT OF THE ROOM IN HER MERRY FASHION. SEBASTIAN REACHES UNDER HIS BED, ONLY TO HEAR A LOUD GROWLING, SNARLING NOISE. HE QUICKLY BACKS AWAY.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: What the?!  
  
[GETS DOWN ON ALL FOURS TO PEER VERY CAREFULLY UNDER THE BED. HE COMES FACE- TO-FACE WITH A FAT, SNARLING CHIHUAHUA. HE SIGHS IN RESIGNATION AND FRUSTRATION.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: Let me guess.you must be Petunia.  
  
[THE DOG YAPS HAPPILY AND COMES OUT FROM UNDER THE BED, LICKING SEBASTIAN'S FACE AS HE PULLS OUT WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS BASKET OF CLOTHES. HE SORTS THROUGH THEM, AN ASTONISHED LOOK ON HIS FACE.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: Jesus Christ! Not *one* measly designer label. How bloody unlucky can I get today?  
  
[AS IF ON CUE, PETUNIA JUMPS UP AND RIPS AT HIS BOXERS, PULLING THEM DOWN AROUND HIS ANKLES. SEBASTIAN JUST STARES BELOW HIS WAIST WITH AN EXPRESSION OF HORROR ON HIS FACE, THEN BURSTS INTO TEARS AND CURLS UP IN A BALL ON THE GROUND.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Oh my *fucking* God! It just had to happen on a day like this!  
  
[AS IF ON CUE, KATHRYN POPS HER HEAD THROUGH THE WINDOW THAT MAGICALLY APPEARS IN THE TRAILER WALL. IT SURE AS HELL WASN'T THERE THIS MORNING.]  
  
KATHRYN: SEBASTIAN! HURRY UP! WE GO IN 5 MINUTES [NOTICES HE'S CRYING].Is there a problem, brother dearest? You seem to be awfully emotional today!  
  
SEBASTIAN: [INBETWEEN SOBS] It.it shrank!  
  
KATHRYN: What shrank?  
  
SEBASTIAN: My.*you-know* [GESTURES TOWARDS HIS COVERED GROIN]  
  
KATHRYN: Huh?  
  
[SEBASTIAN GROANS IN EXASPERATION]  
  
SEBASTIAN: MY NORMALLY EIGHT-INCH PENIS HAS SHRUNK TO TEN CENTIMETRES!!! JESUS CHRIST, KATHRYN! HOW THICK ARE YOU?  
  
[KATHRYN CONTINUES TO STARE BLANKLY, UNAWARE THAT SHE HAS JUST BEEN INSULTED (Well, she *is* supposed to be a blonde.no offence to all blondes out there!)]  
  
KATHRYN: Just hurry up and get dressed.ok?  
  
[KATHRYN LEAVES THE WINDOW AND SEBASTIAN CONTINUES TO CRY FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES BEFORE WIPING HIS EYES AND GETTING DRESSED IN THE TRENDIEST CLOTHES IN THE BIN. A FAIRLY NEW METALLICA T-SHIRT, TIGHT JEANS (they're the only ones without holes in them), AND A PAIR OF RATTY CONVERSE HI-TOPS BEFORE RUSHING OUT THE DOOR TO CATCH UP WITH KATHRYN AND EDWARD, WHO HAVE BEGUN TO DRIVE OFF WITHOUT HIM IN A BIG, BLACK 4WD WITH FLAMES PAINTED ON THE SIDE. SEBASTIAN HITCHES A RIDE ON THE BUMPER OF THE CAR.]  
  
SEBASTIAN: Finally. Now I can relax for a few minutes.  
  
[MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE CAR]  
  
KATHRYN: Hey, Daddy.Seeing as we left early.does you thinks we could drive through the 'gator restn' place to test how strong the car is? Pretty please with a cherry on top?  
  
EDWARD: Well, seen' as y'all asked me so nice and y'all such a sweet l'il thang.LETS GO!  
  
[THE CAR BEGINS TO GO AT TOP SPEED STRIAGHT INTO THE SWAMP WHERE ALLIGATORS ARE OBVIOUSLY VISIBLE]  
  
SEBASTIAN: [SIGHS].Oh shit. [STRAPS ON A BICYCLE HELMET AND CLOSES HIS EYES]  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
NEXT TIME: WE GO TO ALABAMA HIGH SCHOOL WITH KATHRYN AND SEBASTIAN, WHERE WE MEET THEIR 'FRIENDS'. 


End file.
